Like Simi — Did we all Forget How to Love?

If you took the pulse of folks around town on February 13, you would feel the heat, and easily tell something was in the offing. The heat got turned up a bit across digital platforms. From WhatsApp to Facebook, Twitter to Instagram. There’s love in the air and the color is red. Everyone talked about it. It’s Val.

What’s love, by the way? Once, I read of a prince who was ready to renounce the throne for love. Awwnnn. The things folks do for love. You wonder. But could that be you?

It’s Val, after all, and I’m thinking about love. I’m thinking on what the greatest love might be. I’m thinking of the woman with whom I’ll share my heart. I’m thinking about what it means to love. So nice. It sounds nice. Love.

The internet can be so much fun. Pre February 14 and everyone turned advisor. If you curated the memes that made the rounds for Val, you’d literally laugh yourself out. Beneath the jokes and hypes here and there was something silently deeper: the cultural perception of love that filtered through the memes, and jokes, and advises.

From Sexual Reproductive Health and Rights experts who advocated safe sex to the conservatives and spirituals who advocated abstinence, there was a clear pattern that shone through the facades. Beyond the conservatism of some, and the liberalism of others, there was a subtle conclusion that had a wider acceptance than many are willing to admit: Sex. It was the single theme that resonated across all divides.

One of the more popular memes during this period had the picture of a young man chasing a curvy and luscious woman on Val’s day. Beneath it was the same folks running in the opposite direction few months later, only that now, the woman’s tummy had protruded. That meme was perfect for all sides. For the liberals, if you have unprotected sex, you get unwanted pregnancy. For the conservatives, you have sex at all, you break God’s rule. The pregnancy is merely the outcome of your shameful and sinful conduct.

Well, they all talked about sex. Either way. Damn it. Folks.

Valentine Day is of course about love and lovers. No doubt. Did I hear someone call it the Reality Check Day? Well, as some said, it’s the day you find out where you belong on the queue. Good luck to you if you happen to be the first runner up.

Curiously, on the only day set aside for love, if you curate conversations and memes, the one thing most strongly associated with love is sex. That’s right! You can read that again. Either intended or not, sex is associated as proof of love or its strongest expression. The ritual of love. Sex.

Friday is Val. It’s cool it’s coming on ‘TGIF’. It’s a red weekend. Today, I’m working from home and I have the beautiful Simi for company. Oh my God Simi is beautiful, gorgeous and sightly. But there is more to Simi — her inner beauty and depth, her artistry with words and the sonority of her voice. Her voice caresses the soul with measured strokes. Still, she drives her points home gingerly — untainted.

I had her track — “Remind Me” on repeat all day. What a track! Even more, what a song perfectly sung! Her pitch eases through each line as oil sliding through surfaces. The fingers on the keyboard stroke the right notes. Perfect symphony. Fine music. Deep message. The stuffs of angels.

Easy. Was it too easy to reach the conclusion of the thing most associated with love? Perhaps. But if you have doubts, just look at the facts. If it isn’t true, why was everyone talking about sex? Either calling against it or calling for safety. Why? Because subconsciously, sex has gained a cultural acceptance as not only OK but the thing lovers do. I can bet someone agreed to sex to show she loves someone.

But hey! Sex is not the problem. No. Our understanding, and therefore practice of love, is. What we’ve gone through as a people over recent decades has shaped our worldview, cultural flexibility, and consequently our social relations. These things are easily reflected in our interactions, relationships and conversations. If you cared to listen, you would hear.

Modern humans have a peculiar tendency. Look, we clearly have more things to see, to hear, and consequently, to make sense of, than those who walked this earth before us. To solve this, we’ve taken reductionism to a different level. This has helped us to reduce complex concepts or situations to much simpler conclusions (which usually doesn’t tell the whole story), then we run with the tiniest conclusion that reflect our bias the most. That tiny piece we choose, only needs to be run a couple of times before it morphs into its own form, flaunting itself as the whole truth at the expense of the original truth.

What makes this powerful is that the new truth is only a tiny subset of the original truth and cannot be out-rightly rejected, because however small, it reflects the original truth. That makes the original truth endangered. It could get lost with time.

This is of course a convenient thing to do. And yeah, we all do it. If we all took turn to stand before the mirror, we’ll find this right on our forehead. From religious concepts to the economy, politics, and just about any area of interest. Heck! In our unending search for simplicity, how much essentials have we lost?

That’s what we’ve done to love, sadly. Love means sex. Sex means love. Easy conclusion to run with. Such a narrow view. Egregiously erroneous, yet gaining subtle acceptance. Society has gone crazy. Love is sensual. Love is selfish. What a damning shame that we have reduced the rite of love to sex — making sex its highest expression.

Hey! Love is the biggest loser here.

So I spent my Val with Simi. “Remind Me” went on and on. She said in clear terms: “I forgot how to love”. With all the lovey dovey stuffs you’re known for? I had to listen again. Damn it. Her first line, “I forgot how to be the kind of person…” Why is love’s starting point, according to Simi, a question of personality and character? I needed a little clarification there.

It turned out that in the original truth of love, love made people kind, considerate of others, humane and generally benevolently disposed towards others. At its purest, love changes people. Ever seen hard people falling in love and eventually becoming more humane towards others? Yeah. Your experience of love actually goes beyond your object of love. It just changes you — your tendency to be kind and good, your thoughts towards yourself and others, the positive energy you emit. Those stuffs. This way, your object of love — though the primary beneficiary of your love experience, is not the only beneficiary as those you come in contact with will feel the same energy in how you relate with them, being gentle, bright and sunny.

Simi was spot on. When she said “I forgot how to see love in everything”, she was merely affirming the overarching influence of love. Love simply touches everything. You couldn’t carry the strong positive energy of love and step right out to punch a fist or hurl insults or stir strife. Love first expresses itself in kindness, in goodness, and in humane dispositions.

In our reduction of love, we’ve reached a fatal conclusion: that love is about you. This runs in our blood veins now and it has various clichés making the rounds — like ‘self-love’ or ‘loving yourself’, etc. Quite the opposite — love is not about you!

Can we really love ourselves? It’s an illusion. We can’t. We always need someone to love us. Buy the world for yourself and it won’t still feel the same as a flower or ice-cream from someone who truly loves and craves for you. We can ultimately learn to be at peace and accept ourselves wholly, but we’ll always need someone else to stir the feelings of love.

It is misleading and gravely false to entertain the notion that love begins and ends with a person. One of the consequence of this notion is the reality that love and relationships has become largely transactional. In our misguided notion of love, love only exists when there is a benefit to be gained. That’s why folks milk each other in relationships. Everyone looks out for himself.

That is exactly what Simi meant when she hit that line that says “My brother say he love me, I love am too, my man call me honey and I call am boo. But my neighbor no like me, I hate am too. A man call me stupid, I call am fool”. If you withdraw the benefits, forget the love. That’s it.

Now when we think love, we do so through a layer that first reflects us before others. We think and act along the line of what’s in it for me? What about me? We seem to forget that selfishness is everything that love is not.

This February 14 had a twist. Few days prior, a young man was lynched for stealing fowls. A wife stabbed her husband too. We better stop here.

Society always moves on. Regardless. Even though love suffers. Once, communities were smaller and more peaceful. That community had better touch with love as they cared for each other more. But we lost love and society moved on. Now society is bigger, and has shredded love to its last strand. Love suffers, society burns, still, we move on.

I had a good time with Simi. I really did. Her philosophical lines hit home. For once, I thought she heard a whisper from our ancestors. How could she say “I forgot how to give those who are in need, so selfish of me” unless she’s got contact with the original truth of love? Because now, in this day, we don’t think of love in that light. If you love the needy, and give to him, what does he have to give you in return?

If you’re powerful, why should you care about the lowly? What can he do to you? If people go through difficulties, why should you empathize and be supportive? Why shouldn’t you incorrectly assume that their having those difficulties or problems is probably their fault? That’s easier right?

When you are high and mighty, why shouldn’t you cheat the weak simply because you can? What can they do to you?

Societies will begin to degenerate when it has lost touch with love. It will easily accept that love is sex and sex is love. It will be very difficult to empathize genuinely. It will be so hard to be humane. Soon, we could be hunting for ourselves.

Simi just won’t leave my mind. She drills the idea that love has to do with everything. “But a stranger said please sir, I no get shoe, I look am like this say who are you?” Ah Simi. LOVE.

Love naturally extends care towards others, even when they are strangers. Does the hardship of others ever strike a chord with anyone now? We’ve made our monsters. Now we must live with them.

To all lovers, Happy Val. Hope you had fun? I hope you saw beyond sex?

As I think of love and the nation I care so much about, I see how much inhumane we have become to one another, and it becomes clear that love is getting lost.

It just doesn’t matter where you are or who you are, we seem to have lost the ability to genuinely care, love and empathize with others. If we could realize love as a whole, we would realize how little a role sex, and all sensual appeals, plays in it.

Our practice of love is simply contrarian.

Simi, you’re not alone. WE ALL FORGOT HOW TO LOVE!

PS: This was written in February 2020.